weigh and balance

-justice-

Just a while ago.. I found myself, again, caught in a labyrinth, trying to escape the puzzle.. trying to find my way out..

I am not comfortable being with them, the both of them –faction-. I can feel the pressure. I desired for a clone, I desired for a chainsaw.. and cut myself into half. When they came to timezone.. I really did not know what to do.. I felt something that I never aspired to feel. I felt.. guilt. remorse. I was anxious. I was perplexed. Black out. It almost broke me.. into falling pearls. Moan for my confusion.


I really wanted to go home with them.. since it has become a habit.. and going home in solitude is a curse..

But I also want to go with them since it has been a while since I went out with them and I missed them too..


Balance..

So I chose to go with them. Relieved..

Still bothered of that feeling..

Why am I making this a big issue? I don’t know.. it is not that massive though.. gohd.. I just want to expunge what I felt..

So when I went home, this issue preoccupied me. I got irritated and confused.. instead of going to times, I decided to ride a jeep to zapote –knowing there’s a congestion- I got stucked. So, I walked myself all the way to zapote.. and rode a jip again heading sm Molino.. that took me about 30-40 minutes.. it blew my head off. I was so tired.. and irritated..

+positive+

Scoundrel –my mouth-

It has been a while since those words came out of my mouth. I haven’t used it for like ages.. hmm.. not really, for only about 3 months –I guess-.


“tangina”


That was the word. I went to masci today expecting a rehearsal to take place but unfortunately, we were just asked to sing in the meeting of the parents and students about the Brigada Eskwela. We also joined the dreadful parade. We circled the roads surrounding masci. It was so shameful.. we were at the front of the line since they said that we are graduates, and we need utmost exposure (??).


That was actually tiring. After singing, we decided (the choir) with maam carlos to go to MOA. Wow. This is the first time i am going to MOA with the choir. We ate at Pillo loco. The food was edible. That’s all I can say. Then after eating, we had some chit chats then decided to go skating. Sadly, mrs. Carlos can’t go with us since she is afraid that she might just injure herself. Hmm.. she sat at the benches and watched us glide on ice! She was actually with pau xu and iric ( I don’t know why they did i not go skating with us). I had fun on ice! –as what the coupon says- hehe.


I tumbled three times. It did not hurt that much since I tried to stand up immediately. i even toppled and scratched my elbow on the ice. Hmm, weird, it did not hurt that much too. So why did all of these misfortunes occurred? Well, it was because of ph, and 20% because of jay v and celiz. It was so abrupt. I just found myself playing tag with them. I was aiming for ph since I know that I can tag him easier than jay v. that was the time I said “tangina ka ph” haha *smiles*. I got that scratch while he was catching me as I was entering the rink.. I was running –hastily- and since it was only my 4th time to skate, having deficient skills on skating, I stumbled and got that scratch. There.. haha. And that was also the first time –for 3 months- I uttered that word.


After that we went to quatum. The usual leisure, maniax, karaoke and revo.. the suddenly.. danikko called. I told them to go to timezone. Hmm. So they went to timezone. I was a bit.. appalled… uhhmm.. Fussed? Worried? Agitated? i think... we also played maniax. Unfortunately, choir needs to leave. So I waved farewell to them, told celiz and ph that i can't go with them, and went with kamil and danikko. We just ate at jollibee. Haha. Laughed and laughed.


I had a blast today.. hmm.. upbeat. Downbeat. -_-‘ x_x

....x_x

hmm.. it is really odd. i am not expecting anything.. it is just odd. nkakalungkot. hmm.. waaa.. bkt b?? cguro kc, ndi ko maramdaman na ganun ako. though i have always been the type of friend i ought to be.

thought that he would tell me everything. i thought.. i just thought. hmm feeling tlga ako. haha. nevermind.

go upd!!!

upd!!

Cheer up!

1 week has transpired and I haven’t posted my orientation experience.

-Taglish mode-

Hmm.. I was a bit excited for that day. I have always been looking forward to our orientation. Sabi kasi ni ate jobel na masaya un kaya umattend kami. So there, I attended our orientation las may 11. that was a Friday. I thought I was late, actually, I was late. 15 minutes late, but no woorries, the show have not started yet. Michaelle texted me a day ago to meet her at the econ building so we can go to the orientation together. 11 am was the meeting time, and as usual, being the tardy Filipino that I am, I came around 12 pm. Pinoy nga dw talaga ako sabi ni mykel.. hehe

I was 30 meters away from the building when a girl suddenly called me, it was chloris. Haha. Kinuha nia ako tapos dinala nia ako sa i.e. club. Tpos pinakilala nia ako sa lahat. Haha. Un then she ushered me to my line. Hmm. I met 3 people, I cant remember their names. The i.e. club introduced me to them, they were also freshies under i.e. department. They were all from marikina science high school. Haha. Since I am not that assertive, I did not talk much.. haha.

There, I got my block, G-24. waw. Then I entered the auditorium. It was a bit cold. The show started. Hmm. The hosts were funny though I know all their jokes are rip offs from their last orientations. Haha. Pero mabenta pa rin. Panalo tlga ung rap nila na “kung ang ue ay warriors, an gust ay tigers, ang la sale ay archers… ngunit lahat sila, hindi upacat passers!!” haha. Galeng

So it started fine, I was seated at the right most wing of the auditorium and all mascians ere seated together at the left wing. That’s what I get from being late. Hmm. –taga pisci ung nsa likod ko.. hehe- they started with those boring discussions. Then jokes. Haha. Then the u.p. concert chorus sang. They were good but upsa is still better. Haha. But at least, they were able to entertain us. Then discussions again, then adio visual presentations. Then a dance number, they were not good.. seriously. Then came the up pep squad!! Woohoo. That was the best part of the orientation. Good thing that everybody was up on their seats and game for cheering!. We were shouting. Wooo!! They told us that we were the best audience they had. They taught us all the u.p yells. Haha. It was fun!

That was our orientation. after that orientation, i really felt that i am a certified up student. dun ko lng naramdaman na kolehiyo na ako. bigla kong nlimutan ang masci. haha! joke

Sorry kung hindi maxadong mganda ung pagkakakwento ko.. mejo minamadali ko nlng toh eh.. hehehe tinatamad n nman ako..

Un lng nman un. Tpos nun umuwi na ako. hehe

+recharge;refuel+

Grown weary

My phone again vibrated for the nth time. It was about 6 30 that opened my eyes and checked my phone for new messages. Then I read some and since my energy was yet to be fueled up completely, I went back to sleep. Again, my phone is ringing for new messages. I decided to wake up, it was 8 30, and read all of it. I don’t know, but I felt so tired after waking up. I don’t feel sleepy, but I really feel drained..

It is getting near.. the sympathy makes it more rapid. I can replenish all my energy anytime I want, I can replenish the gas of my tenacity anytime and anywhere.. but still, I am human.. I cant do everything, I cant live forever for everything. I cant absorb everything.

A sponge can absorb any amount of water it is capable to hold, but when a force acts on it and push it to its constraint, it will then exude everything and burst it all out, gush in insanity.

But not to worry.. I am just tired: Tired of convincing and arguing with other people. It is not easy to do what is right. It is not easy to attmpt to make everything perfect in its place. It is not easy to be me.. I have grown weary.. I need to breathe fresh air. I am throttled.. there is too much pressure, there is too much force..

My memory gap gets worse. It is my fault.. my brain is stuffed with so much misery and problems of other people. It consumes the space for memoirs of my past. Everything is sinking in, but paradoxically, it is not. I am pushing my self to engross it.

It is arduous to hope for the best when all you do is to put a handful of effort over a single problem and never gets better because of resentment. Why cant people think for the best. Why cant people accept realities of life. We converge to resolve things but deep inside, it is still not ok. We cannot sacrifice a little bit of ourselves for the better of somebody else. Everything will end up to one of the deadliest sins.. selfishness.

It is a fact. We cannot be GOD. But it is human nature (should be human nature) to try to be flawless and follow whatever path that should be followed. We have a choice, and it is in our choice that brings us our future. It is not the fault of other people if we regret the thing s from the past, because we have the CHOICE to do what we ought to do.

Problems.. they made me.. I am created with these adversities. They go through my blood. It makes me insane..

A sponge may exude the water, but after that, it will naturally, slowly

absorb

it again..

wahehe

Ralph saves the day!!

but cant save his day!!

Today is april hmmm… april 29.. yeah. Im watching pb ryt now.. they are currently resolving their differences, maricris and bea.. gawd.. it feels sooo awful.. is this the effect of too much attachment? Or carrying the burden, affliction misery of other people..?? maybe.. this has been me.. the great confidant. The great counselor. The great listener . at least I can call myself a real friend.. though their misery becomes my misery too, I wont leave them in hostility. I am ralph. That’s me. Im a friend.. whew.. so what happened to me these past few days??

April 16-17- burbank outing.. it was interesting.. it was not the best though but I had fun.. it was a different outing.. not the usual swimming

April 18, 2007- I and my friends went to manila memorial to visit the humble lair of my deceased classmate.. she was my first in everything.. hehe.. then we went somewhere else to settle some things....

April 19, 2007- I can remember nothing.. aww.. ph and leslie made me furious. I found myself caught in a deception game and gave me 2^nd thoughts on holding on to that pledge.. woo.. they really got me. And up to now, it still irritates and bothers me.. wahaha.. this was a Thursday and I was supposed to go to up with thea and neph. And waw.. there was ph.. I tried to be nice.. hehe.. after that, everything eventually got ok.

April 20, 2007- hmm.. Friday.. I think i attended the cotillion practice of thea

April 23, 2007- overnyt at thea's haws for her avp

April 24, 2007- nothing really special.. it was just freaky.. hope they will be ok.. sooner. padolina awting that turned into a moa malling

april 25, 2007- einstein outing. i had fun though i felt weird since i am not intimately close with all of the einstein people.

April 26, 2007- we had a practice again at thea’s haws gawd.. haha

Tinatamad nq.. nxt time nlng.

a really bad day..

exactly 7 am, i woke up, tnx to the alarm clock sponsored by cm. i got up to prepare myself. i dont want to be late for our choir practice. (i have never been on time on our practices.) so there, i took a bath for ten minutes. search for anything to wear, gaaahdd.. i dont have pants to wear anymore, i have used each one of them, then i saw this old rugged pants in my bros closet. i knida did not like it since it looks too old.. but who would mind anyway, so i took it. then, i realized that i have used all my shirts too!! good thing i found my brown shirt in my bros closet .. our clothes sometimes gets mixed up.. and that makes us panic whenever we need one. so there, i wore that plain brown shirt and went off. it was already 8 am.. i was expecting a heavy traffic since 8 am is a "rush hour". so there, yeah, got myself stucked in a traffic in zapote. then i rode a jeepney to alabang to get a las pinas bus ( i swore to god never to ride a cavite bus again ever since i arrived at skul around 10 am because of insufficient public transportation vehicles and heavy traffic) that happened during our graduation practices. so there, i tried to wait for a bus, but gaaaahd!! 20 mins have passed and all the buses were refusing to give me a ride since all of them are fully loaded, so i rode a jeepney going to baclaran. then got jammed again in a traffic at coastal road. gaaawd, it was so hot!! so i asked the driver to drop me at mia road, then i rode a tas trans bus. woo.. that was soo tiring. guess what, i arrived at scool around 9 30 pm. gaawd, all the hardships and effort to come to school on time got wasted. argghh.. so that started my day...

after it was even worse. the practice was kinda, hmmm, okay in the morning session, but after that, gaaahhd, i got irritated maybe it wsa because of the fan, or the fact that we were not doin anything, or because i was not able to internalize everything we ought to sing, or maybe i was expecting it to be done by 12. the fact that i brought so much things and prepared so much for our badminton session got me irritated. singit lang ( we ate at a carinderia near our skul, it was cheap and i got everybody game for it) so there, the choir practice finished. then i was expecting that leslie, ph, nino and i would still play badminton( i am getting better evry session!!) but then, it turned out that we would just sit still, wait for god to end this world and go home. so there, we went home, while waiting for a bus, i suddenly felt this scourging feeling inside my stomach. gaad, it really hurts, like ulcer or something.. so i asked them if we could eat at kfc. so there we ate... then everything got worse.. i drank too much rootbeer and made my condition worse.. i was not able to finish my food.. that costs 90 php.. gaaahhdd!! i need to save money... then after that.. wooo... the dramatic concerto started.. with ph then with leslie.. woo. i got irritated... my stomach was really killing me then they started to go mellowdramatic. i saw that last phrse.. i really got irritated.. ralph. feeling close nman ako. woo.. i really hate those dramatic phrases... just like dani.. who told guiwo that, feeling close nman ako kay ralph.. argghh..watafrend tlga.. when i thought that we really were friends, and we really were close enough to be called friends. that makes me feel that i am also a "feeling close" human being to them.. then leslie cried.. it was my fault.. woo.. i shoud not have said that.. i was too insensitive.. so.. i got really depressed.. then it rained.. we waited for it to stop.. i was not really attacehd with reality then.. i was not with myself.. so there, after that, we went home..

we first went to lrt to drop nino then we rode a bus then leslie left at buendia. then i slept, i was too tired.. and it was too cold in that freakn bus. i was dreaming of pokemon.. haha... i was traumatized by the pokemon epi i saw in gma that morning.. so there, everything ash and misty were saying was about balut.. kwek kwek.. haha.. ph woke me up from that nice dream, zapote na pla.. so i was not really that awke then.. i was half awake actually.. parang lasing lang tpos "huh, zapote na?? ahh..baba na ako, paalam" half awake, i crossed the road.. then i saw i light.. it was so bright.. beeeeeeep!! woah.. it almost hit me. gawd.. good thing it stopped "putang ina mo! magpapakamatay kb??" the driver told me.. i can still remember, a marron lancer.. i think.. woo.. i almost died.. gawd..

then i went home.. went ot the cr.. my eyes started to shake. then haha, slapped myself.. im still alive..

i was not really conscious today.. i was not with myself... too many problems.. too much frustrations.. confusion.. guen? gawd.. everything is not sinking in.. overload.... i need..... something..

friends. old and new.

i am happy with my friends. i am sad.. i got only a few. tnx to u.

royce, for supporting me when i thought everything will

Collapse. I really am thankful. For texting me though it was already 1 am in the morning. Tnx.. for the kiss.. haha.. I love kissing u.. haha

Leslie.. for always being there when I am down.. sori too for my dramatic texts,, haha.. but still, tnx for everything.. for trusting me with ur secrets.. thanks for tripping me, haha..

Guiwo.. for my bestfriend, who was there for four straight years.. thank u for all the moments we shared, for the simple tap.. for believing in what I can do. For always being there.. for understanding me.. for trying so hard to fulfill my desires.. for always siding me in every problem I had.. for being such a good friend.. for all the concern.. I am really thankful to have a loyal bestfriend like u.

ronel.. though, I only just knew u.. I am thankful because u are very honest and open. I thank u for trusting me. Thank u for the badminton plays. Tnx for the advices. U are such a good friend.. tnx

dani.. tnx for always treating me.. haha though I have money.. thank u for being guiwos friend.. thank u for supporting me in all the adversities I face.. thank u for being us when we wat to see a movie. Thank u for lending me ur ps2.. thank u..

these are the people I am thankful for now.. these people whom I put my confidence with assurance.. where are the others.. I don’t know.. gone with the wind.. happy? Maybe..

April 8 kahapon. Its easter Sunday, esther day, ruffy nd esther day.. hehe.. good for them, woo… ngtagal cla for that long.. congrats!! Hehe.. seriously.. im happy for them.. hehe.. yes.. im sad.. pero ok lang un.. hehe

Gaya nga ng sabi nila.. new life.. haha, kelangan pa plan g easter Sunday para mgbagong buhay. Un. Ok na ako.. so wats next for me?? I don’t know.. just hoping for the best for me. Ill just go with the flow.

Ok. Nu b gnawa ko ngaun. Haha.. badminton with ph, nino at cm.. kapagod. Sayang c leslie, di sumama pero ok nman. Ndi ako naop eh. Un.. laro laro. Naligo lang ako sa pawis. Laro.. then.. may naalala ako.. c nino kc.. naalala ko c gxxx.. gawd.. gawd tlga.. saying lahat… malapit na bday nia… magdedebut na sana xa next year.. –sigh- I miss her.. T.T

Mark the day, april 18..

birthday?

I just turned seventeen.. gawd… it is sooo different.. I don’t feel like 17, I feel like 15!! Though I look 18 in my most exhausted moment in my life.. that is great!! Maybe, I don’t feel like 17 because I hardly felt my birthday.. gawd.. this is the 2nd to the worst bday I have ever had.. well, the first one was last year…

Why didn’t I feel my birthday. I was not able to clench the essence of my birthday due to my “laspag” mode last grad ball, and the grad ball itself. I was assigned to make the avp, (which I happily accepted and in fact I volunteered to make it) 31 hours. It took me that long. Our computer is such a shit.. it is so sluggish and ready for breakdown. I hate that don’t send thing on my screen, telling me that the program should close. I experienced it for more that ten times, so I had to start allover again my avp. Good thing, it has a recover mode implanted in its program. Woohhh.. I used two computers, onepc and one laptop. The problem with that laptop is it has a 539 mb space for storage. Gawd!!!whats with this computer!! It does not even have anything in it but there is only 500++ memory. So I have to do everything almost manually. I can actually put it in automatic mode but it will take ages before it finishes. So there, around 4 pm, I finished the avp without checking it or even, having a glimpse of the finished product..

Ok. Continuation. There, I was able to finish the avp around 3 pm.. after that, I got flustered, went to Robinsons immediately to buy a tie, but I found my self, looking for longsleeves. So my parents left me there, they went to my brother’s apartment to get my coat. Everything seems so impromptu. Adrenaline rush, I went directly to the department store, nothing was there, I went to lacoste, onesimus, bench?! Penshoppe?! Then I saw g2000! It was on sale!! I saw a stunning polo. It was black and sold for only 700 pesos! That was 30 percent off, so I immediately purchased it. It took me one and a half hour to find that polo. I matched it with my gray tie. I arrived at the hotel, wearing nothing but sheer house attire.. haha. I felt so poor then.. haha then I immediately got the keys of my room from the freaky lady at the frontdesk and in a flash, went to my room, washed, and got dressed. I looked good!!

Then the gradbol started,, they showed the avp, it was good.. I think everybody liked it. Then we danced.. I danced with jansot.. 5 songs.. (tinatamad na ako mgtype) I danced with esther.. it was the worst ever.. I was about to cry then.. good thing I am equipped with tear controlling device. So I was able to impede it from flowing intensely. Woo… there.. my day came. Ding dong. 12 am na. some greetd me.. some did not.. it was fine. So we celebrated my birthday ( coper) in our room, ate mcdo and slept. That was it. And left my pocket totally wrecked. Goodd… but then, when everybody was out, and as I was cleaning up the room coper left me to clean up, a sound of the bell suddenly chimed. I opened the door.. T.T all of the Einstein people went in, carrying a cake with them, singin me a happy birthday.. I was really touched.. I was about to burst out in tears.. pero nakakahiya un. Haha so, I controlled it once again. So there.. I was not able to absorb it fully. Haggard.. so then, we went to school for practice, then ate with the choir people. Then dani and guiwo bought me a ring.. it was good.. I liked it.. then I went home.. lost.. drained.. and went to sleep.. it was not the best birthday. Gloomy.. sad.. morbid!!! I hate u.. u ruined it.. ex.

redo and undo

haha. tagal ko ring ndi nagpost. pero filing ko parang last wik lng un.. haha... nu na nb nangyari nagun?? la namna, kaya lng ako di ngpopost kc tinatamad ako o maraming ginawa... dumaan na ang pasko at bagiong taon.. haha

onga pla, namatay ang lola ko nung fri at nilibing na xa kahapon.. nkakalungkot tlga... pero ang nkakatuwa dun, kc nareunite ulit ang aming untalan family, lahat cla nandito ngaun.. ang lungkot tlga.. haaaay.. thats life.. weird. why live life to the fullest if it will reach an end.. ?? haha.. ang wierdo ko tlga...

un.. marami namna ang nangyari.. ito ung pinakamalaki.. (bahala na kung cno man magbasa nito.. blog ko to.. haha) nagalit sa akin c dahil binigyan ko ang EX ko na gf nia ngaun ng regalo.. haha. aminado ako na masama un.. haha... maxadong mganda ung regalo eh.. mahal nga eh... ang di ko maintindihan ay kung bkt binigay ko pa.. haha... magsosorry b aku?? ewan.. baka hindi.. haha... sama ko noh?? ok lng... sbi nila na masama ung ginawa ko eh.. edi masama.. dala lng nman ito ng kagustuhan kong mapasaya ung EX ko. pero weird. dapat nga naman na hindi ako ganun kc cla na. eh anu ngaun?? un b ang magiging dahilan ng pagtigil ko ng pagpapsaya ng tao?? parang pareho lng kc un ng pagbigay ko ng regalo sa mga 30 na tao.. ngaun lng nmana ko ngbigay eh.... last yr nga hnde eh.. nagkataon lng na binili ko ung gusto nia.. cge. aminado na spesyal nga ung regalo.. haayyy.. eh anu ngaun.. magbigay nlng dn xa ng regalo na espesyal.. masaya na namna ako na natuwa xa sa regalo ko.. at least, naglaan ako ng effort na magbigay sa pasko.. galit b ako?? haha.. hnde ah.. ewan, nahihiya ba ako?? hindi rn ata? bkt nman walang dahilan. (pero baka nga.. haha) masaya lng tlga kc ako... nu b ang pnt ko.. di ko rn alam eh... bawal kmi mgcommunicate? oo.. sbi nila para walang gulo dahil habang nandito ako, hndi mtatahimik c miguel.. haha.. ganun na pla akong kalala.

friends kme? oo, cge.. ok lng. xa galit sken.. ako.. ewan. undefined(baka) nkakainis na kc eh. nasakanya na nga ung EX ko eh... kulang nlng tanggapin ko un. haha. haha.. nkakainis nga e. ako ang masama sa tingin ng mga tao.. ok.. cge.. filing ko rn..

pero. masakit dn nman eh.... oo tama. kc, cla. kc xa ung mahal.. ako.. la na. panggulo lng ako sa buhay nila.. ndi nman ako ung bida eh,.. clang dalawa.. haaay....

msaya ako.. kpag magkatxt kame.. la lng.. nkakatuwa lng.. pero cguro ngaun.. di na muna, kc iisipin ng iba na may something na.. ganun nman plagi eh. meron ngang something pero ako lng un.. ung txt ko lng nman ay walang bahid ng malisya,, kung anu ang tinetxt ko sa iba, un dn ang tinetxt ko sa iba.. ang nkakainis lng dun.. haha... bwal na kc. ndi na kme pedng mgcommunicate.. haha. la ba akong karapatan?? khit EX ako?? haha. baliw ka tlga. we started with texting, got to know each other with texting and end up with texting. un. dun na ang paalam nun.. sasabihin na sa susnod nlng kpag nkabangga kta 20 yrs from now...

so ano na ngaun?? haha.. im desperate.. haha.. hindi ko ito gusto. nkakabwisit.. ayoko na.. gusto kong sumuko.. oo.. para wala ng gulo.. pero sadyang SELFISH ako. masama nga ako.. oo masama nga ako..( sasabihin na nila na hindi ito pagmamahal.. dhil masama na ito..) oo msama na ako.. sobra.. sobra kong ramdam.... sa kahit anung anggulo nman eh.. ako ang amsama.. taggap ko un.. oo masama ako. khit ikwento nila sa teacher, sa kpawa estudyante.. ako ang masama.......... khit kei maam D pa.. haha.. ang sakit kaya nun.. cguro, sa tingin nia na ang selfish ko.. hhaaahaha.. onga pla selfish ako.. damn. the hell.

kelan kaya ung saya?
iwan na nila ako.
im a freak
the hell..
i really need to forget everything..
pls help me..
how?



onga pla.. i celebrated again our anniv last wed. wooo.. it was damned fun! ___ fuck, don't listen to this man. he is insane!